Nineteen is Wiser than Sixteen

I remember when we met. I wanted nothing more than to be your desire.  I usually got what I wanted. It wasn’t hard to play the puppet master. I flirted and you followed. It was a game of hide and seek or a poorly performed dance. It was fun for a while, just carefree fun.

It didn’t take long for me to get bored with you. Most sixteen year old girls get bored easily; I was no different than most. I had won you and moved on to my next conquest (the bigger and better so to speak). Never being one to like it when someone else used my old toys, I just kept you in my pocket for a while to see what might happen. Perhaps, I’d like to play with you again on a rainy day.

I was careless and indiscreet, so obviously, in a small town like ours, it didn’t take long for you to unearth my little secret.  You were always so proud. I never understood what you had to be so proud of. Pride is a dangerous thing. That dirty little word can really cost you sometimes. With your pride in tow, you turned your back on me.

Young girls like me, girls who think they are a woman, also have pride. I had too much pride to be snubbed by someone like you, someone I felt sure was beneath me. So, the dance began again and this time I had a challenge because you were apprehensive. Still, the fight was minimal. I won round two.

If you had been able to simply forgive and forget, the game probably would have ended then and there or shortly thereafter with me simply losing interest and moving on. You became obsessed and obsession among teenagers spreads like mono at the prom. You were controlling and jealous. The game was getting twisted and I lost the upper hand. I felt sorry for you. I felt remorse, not because I really cared but, because no one else seemed to care for you either.

Love-struck boys can be every bit as manipulative as us girls are made out to be and in some cases even more (no one expects it from you). Somehow, you learned to make things about you. You picked fights and acted out to get my attention, like a child desperate for mothering. It was the old play seen over and over again by elementary school teachers worldwide, ‘any attention is better than no attention’, written and directed by none other than you. I’ve always thought of myself as an intelligent person but I must confess that looking back on it now, I feel very stupid. I fell for it, and my common sense walked right off stage left.

Things would from time to time calm down and seem “normal” or normal enough at any rate. Just when I would catch a glimmer of the real you, who was pulling my strings, you would cause a distraction. There is any number of ways to start an argument with me and I believe you used them all. I was never able to walk away. God only knows the true extent of my temper and be thankful that you do not. I do not like to lose a fight; it’s not something I do often. We fought so frequently that looking back on those days, it’s hard to tell where one argument ended and another began. It feels like those years of my life where a constant string of battles. After each battle there was of course that brief period of (not contentment but…) satisfaction. The satisfaction was of course because in my own mind I always won the fight. In my mind the fight was never really about the topic of discussion. In the end, it always came down to not losing control. That is what our ‘relationship’ was really about; who was in control. You would attempt to take it and I would fight to maintain it. I didn’t have an opportunity to get bored with you again for a very long time.

We spent quite some time together. I use that term together loosely. For every step I took forward, you took two or three back and we spun each other around and around like the world spun on us and not its own axis! The details are irrelevant and frankly at this point in my life, boring. The outcome, however, has become the highlight of my life. Circumstances presented themselves, that allowed me to escape. I was out of town, out of the picture, and out of your control. Fate just so happened to put us in the right place in the right time with just the right argument to release me from my confining sympathies and I took my chance.

I was older by then. I was only nineteen but nineteen is wiser than sixteen just as 25 is wiser than 21. I was less interested in playing the game than I had been before. Although, I can’t say that any woman is without the desire to be desired or the desire to know it, and so, a newer more subtle dance began with someone else. It’s time had much more rhythm. When we spun the world around, this time it was with laughter and happiness, not anger and fire. All of the passion was there with my new dance partner without the tug of war to keep me engaged.

It has been ten years now. Since you and I played our last match. I have stayed away. I have no reason to revisit those days. I am happier now than I ever could have dreamed I would be. I do however, have some curiosities. Our little town holds many people who still pass on bits and pieces of news of you when they arise. I’m still sorry for you, more than I ever was, really, not in the same way that I was. I don’t feel sympathy for you because no one cares for you but because you don’t care for yourself. You still seem just as proud but now I am sure you have no reason to be. I could list all of the ways that I feel my little life is superior to yours. At one time I might have just for the sensation of having won one more score against you. But I won’t. It wouldn’t be right; I’ve already won in ways you cannot imagine.